This work of standing in the middle is my work right now.
Along with my partner, I go to a trauma therapist every two weeks to help me feel what I feel and be with myself while I am feeling it.
Every time I go, I feel humiliated that this seemingly most basic of human functions is so hard for me…which is of course part of the process: how to not judge myself while I feel what I feel.
One of my most effective survival strategies is my tendency to live inside of my mind. It’s a steel trap up there and I don’t like to leave it. It feels safe in my head. Turns out it also lets me dissociate from what’s really going on and get away with it because I can talk a mile around the thing while I’m not actually experiencing the thing.
This is my work, and I am sharing it with you. I want to be embodied. I want to live at the intersection of my mind and my heart. I am practicing because I have a well thought out opinion that the more I can be with myself in the midst, the more I can be with anyone and anything in the midst. I can offer gentle presence, unconditional friendship, compassion; I can bear witness. I can sit with all that is unresolved and I can trust that this is the way through- not to strong arm away, explain away, figure it out, fix it….but to be with it.